Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season is a time of joy, but if you’ve lost a loved one, that joy can seem harder and harder to find. Karen Cousins, Program Director at NAMI, and Dr. Jill Crane, Psychology Postdoctoral Fellow at Boundless, both of whom have suffered the loss of a child share what they've learned this past year. Here’s some helpful advice on coping with grief this time of year.

#1 Lower Expectations

During the holidays, a lot of people are worried about getting the decorations up, making the food perfect, or buying the perfect gifts. But when you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, those tasks can feel miniscule and not so merry. Cousins said, “It's okay to say I can't do it this year, it's perfectly fine. Or let's do a potluck. You need a plan A, a plan B, and all the way down the alphabet if necessary.”

Crane said, “we have a lot of ‘shoulds’ that we place on ourselves, even without grief as part of the picture for the holidays. And then grief comes in and it complicates things.” It’s okay to modify traditions, or scrap them completely, if that’s what feels best for you. Self-care is the most important thing.

#2 Keep the Spirit of your Loved One Alive

Keeping your loved one close to your heart during the holidays, however it feels right to you, can help honor them and make the holidays feel a little warmer. “We have a little ornament that has her picture on it that's out, even if it's not on a tree. And we have a little lantern that says, ‘Your light shines in our hearts forever’, something like that. And we are just trying to take it day by day.” Crane said, of her daughter.
 

#3 Your Feelings are Valid

The holidays can bring a rush of emotions, especially if you’re experiencing loss. You could be sad, or you could feel guilty about not being sad. There’s no right way to feel, or to navigate, and it’s different for every person.

Crane said, “There's moments where you might expect to be sad, and you won't be, and you may feel like questioning that. But just know that it's human to sometimes be able to get through a certain event that you thought you wouldn't be able to. And you might end up in the grocery store tearing up over a Fischer Price rotary phone or a box of cereal. And there's nothing wrong with that either.”

#4 Lean Into the Support of Others

You are not alone in your grief, and there are plenty of resources to help during the holiday season. Cruise has found multiple support groups helpful in dealing with grief, which created a bond with others with the same experience.

“I found a group for parents who've lost adult children. So, I understand that completely, in that everybody in the room was on Zoom, but everybody in the room has had that same experience. And so, they get it.”
 

#5 Celebrate the Way That Feels Right to You

There’s no doubt that holidays are different when you’re grieving, but there is still magic to be found in the little moments. Cousins said, “For me, personally, I have a tree in the living room, I have one downstairs in the family room, and there's just something about tree lights, and jazz on my CDs, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. And I love that. And that's what I do for me for right now.”